- (music playing)
You think I can get some extra so me and M-Chuck
can take some nurses out for some coffee?
Sure, man, ask me while my dick is in my hand
and my wallet's in yours.
Ain't that what I did?
All right, look, you're gonna get one of these every month.
- Here, Ma. - Hallelujah! Shit!
Reggie: The fuck I tell you about rockin" brand names in public?
Sharpie the logos till we close the deal
for you to wear it, especially the shoes.
All right, then close me a sneaker deal.
- (gunfire, explosions on TV) - Wait, what just happened?
- See that command tent? - Hey, yeah. Is that me?
- That's the top half of you. - Where are my legs?
Hang on. They coming.
There they are. (laughs)
War is hell in hi-def, nephew.
How many fruits you think the state of Georgia tried
before settling on peaches?
Girl, I'm too old to waste time speculating.
Oranges, probably.
Lemons, limes, tangerines, clementines, kiwi.
- You like kiwis, Ma? - Kiwi's got too much fructose.
Fructose will kill you quicker than nicotine.
I read it and I believe it.
Okay. No, no. We'll see you then.
All right, thank you. Bye-bye.
Folks, phone to the ear means inside voices.
There's an entire outside deck for your outside voice.
It's too windy out there for a business call.
Says the source of all the wind.
Yeah, Reggie was casting a spell on that call.
I heard fragments.
I set Under Armour for Monday.
We gonna close this deal.
- Aw, yes, sir! Boy, we rollin' now! - Yes!
What we asking Under Armour for?
A fucking shitload of money.
Listen, I thought we were giving up the use of the fuck word.
- You mean the F word. - Correct.
Ma, you just said no using the fuck word.
- Correct. - Ma, it's either fuck or the F word.
- It's not the fuck word. - What the fuck?
- You know what the fuck I meant. - Reggie: Absolutely.
- We're fucking sorry. - (all laugh)
What the fuck word we angling in addition to the money?
Perks and all that?
Uncle J, we trying to build Cam the brand.
So strolling for perks is small time,
but a great shoe deal, that's big time.
Well, if there's any room in a wiggle for a perk, demand a robot.
Hell, they runnin' things. Better get in good with them now.
- (phone rings) - I got that.
Where you get this shit from?
That's actually a good point. Think about the Jetsons.
Missy Vaughn, love of my life.
There are Confederate flags on the license plates down here.
People suck. We're aware of this.
I'm gonna steal a Confederate flag, light it on fire,
scale the Georgia statehouse, and burn the shitheap down.
Well, I'll bring the matches.
Listen, Cam and I meet with Under Armour on Monday.
You're booked Monday morning.
I'm not burning flags with you in broad daylight.
Did you forget what we're doing Monday?
You forgot. I know that pause.
I was holding back a burp.
Oakwood Country Club? Prospective member visit?
Just say you forgot
so we can get to the next stage of the conversation.
Missy, please, come on. Me at a country club?
I'd be like a sailor on dry land.
I moved to this godforsaken swamp of a city
on the condition that something
would not revolve around basketball.
I sat through the ballet with you.
- The one about the ducks. - Swans.
And I sat through the play about gay Abe Lincoln.
Did I complain about it?
You haven't stopped complaining.
John Wilkes Booth would've shot himself at that play.
You're always telling Cam what's good for his brand.
A good country club, that's what's good for Reggie's.
What time's Under Armour?
9:30.
Make it 9:00 and I'll push Oakwood to noon.
You want me to ask Under Armour to move the meeting?
Don't ask, tell. Negotiation 101, baby.
Love you!
Love you, too.
- Eh. - Yeah.
If you gonna put in for a robot,
Rosie from the Jetsons.
Square mouth, big ass,
and she make her own sandwiches.
- Eh. Yeah. - (laughing)
(theme music playing)
Ripped By mstoll
- What is this one's name? - I'm not sure.
She slept overnight
and you don't even know her name?
If I had to guess, I'd go with Judith.
Why would you invite her to church?
I didn't.
When you said, "Get in the car, we're going to church,"
she got in. So you invited her.
Ooh, I am so glad
that we are getting back to praising God
and thanking Him for our blessings.
His blessings were few and far between for a long time.
You know what I miss about Boston?
The racial harmony?
No, we ain't have to go to church in Boston.
Gotta find the right church.
The choice of church says a lot about a man.
Jesus said, "Pick you one already."
(applause)
Welcome! Welcome.
What a beautiful morning to be alive,
- alert, and sharing God's grace. - All: Amen!
I know there's a lot of other places
you could have been this morning,
so I'm glad you chose to be here with us.
Praise God.
All: Praise God.
James, 1:17.
"Every good gift
and every perfect gift is from above
and cometh down from the Father of Lights
with whom is no variableness,
neither shadow of turning."
- All: Amen. - Amen.
The triumphs we've reached,
the mountains we've climbed.
We don't claim these victories because of our own doings,
but that of the Lord.
(all agreeing)
Pastor: This verse makes me consider
questions to self...
have I given proper credit to God for the bounty in my life?
And furthermore, am I a person
that fosters harmony and kindness?
One who cultivates joy and love?
(congregation murmurs)
God is love.
Cassie: Yes, He is.
We've got to get in touch with God in us.
He is there waiting to be welcomed into the every day.
Open your door.
Say hello! Shake His hand!
Turn off your phones.
Shut down your Facebook. Stop your tweetering.
Fill your life with His abundant joy/
- Amen. - Cassie: Preach, preacher / Preach
(applause)
- Donut? - No, thanks.
Donut's got molasses in it.
I refuse to eat anything my ancestors been bartered for.
Then you gonna get skinny.
- Cam. - Yeah?
I know you've been visiting some other churches,
trying to settle on a place of your own.
A man of your stature will bring more people to a congregation.
Can I have your autograph?
The more people gathering,
the more alms we're able to share.
- I hope you'll come back. - Good sermon, Pastor.
Thank you, brother. I appreciate that.
Reverend, more than come back,
I think we'll be settling here.
- We'll be blessed. - All right.
Let me get to the car
before I get tempted to grab one of these donuts.
- Uh, Cam. - Yeah? Hey.
One question. Your sister?
Mary Charles? The best.
I know you're from the great state of Massachusetts
where marriage is defined a bit more...
Is that her wife over there?
No, no. That's just a friend.
If at all possible,
would you ask her to show her affection
for her friend after services and not during?
I'm not nave, Cam,
and I certainly live in a modern world...
Woman: Nice sermon, Pastor.
Thank you, sister. Have a lovely evening.
But it was a bit distracting for some of our other churchgoers.
Right. Will do.
- Thanks, Cam. And welcome. - Of course.
- Take care, Rev. - All right, brother.
- Let's go, sis.
Thank you, sisters, for joining us this Sunday.
- All right. - See you next week.
All right, brother... Okay.
Cassie: Okay, Julius, enough.
Cut that sermon a little shorter next week.
Keep your eyes open, brother,
and you might not miss something, all right?
- God bless you. - Cassie: Thank you, Pastor.
Come on, M-Chuck. Enough.
No, fuck him and his woman-hating church!
You met the girl last night at a club. Who cares?
I won't tolerate discrimination.
Look, he don't want straight people
pawing at each other in the pews either.
It's a church. Chill.
We may not live on Mars, but one Venus should be able
to love another Venus without criticism.
Yeah, we live on Earth,
so you can't finger fuck people in church.
I wasn't doing anything crass. I was holding her hand.
He's a hater and I ain't gonna let you join a church that hates.
That preacher's lucky I showed the restraint that I did.
You all saw her ass.
That is hard evidence of God on earth right there.
Just like Niagara Falls.
Look, I love that we were all together this morning,
but I ain't gonna join a church that won't let me be myself.
Mary Charles, you're not gonna eat your cake?
- Fuck the cake, Ma. - Fuck the cake.
- Just don't fuck it in church. - (laughs)
There are 450 players in the pros.
88%, in one form or another, endorse one of the big three...
Nike, Adidas, and Jordan Brand.
Only a handful of players command big-money deals.
How do they choose which players to bestow such a deal upon?
That question has a one word answer: Story.
Cam Calloway grew up
in the roughest section of a tough town,
heroically raised by a single mother,
a loving sister, an uncle,
and a cousin who's still his most trusted ally.
There were plenty of ways for him to go wrong,
but he kept turning right.
Went to a college hardly anybody knows exists.
Tried to get some attention,
was hard-pressed to do so, but finally did.
An undrafted, unheralded player
who was given nothing, yet earned everything
through discipline and pure hard work.
That is good character.
And good character is great story.
And the end of this story is...
35 million for five years
wearing my shoes.
Reactions?
All positive.
This is an advance.
You deposit it, we have a deal.
You don't, we don't.
I look forward to my bank balance
being 10 million lighter.
Get me to the nearest bank!
Hey, hey, we still got Nike next week.
No, we got $10 million today.
If the money is here now,
it will still be here in seven days.
- You don't know that. - Yes, I do.
- What do you think is out there? - What we're worth.
Tell me this place isn't nice.
So they mowed the lawn.
Where did they hide all the jockeys?
Mr. And Mrs. Vaughn. Hi!
- Hi. - My name is Dominique.
I'm the membership coordinator here at Oakwood.
- What a magnificent property. - Yes. Yes, it is.
Yes, we're very proud of our grounds here
and, of course, our membership.
Mr. Vaughn, your wife and I are going to tour the facilities,
share a light salad, and then head on over
for a lecture in our main ballroom
about silver patterns of the American South.
Sounds fantastic.
And as for you, sir,
the rest of your foursome awaits you at the first tee.
- Ah. - All right.
Have fun!
Thank you.
- You Reggie? - Yeah.
- You're with us. - Reggie Vaughn.
- Pleased to meet you. - Cut the shit.
- Give me some dap. - That I can do.
Hey, hey, hey.
None of this "pleased to meet you" shit.
This is Oakwood, not Augusta.
- Okay. - I'm Walter Johnson.
This here is Ferris Murphy, Roland Barry.
- Roland! - I'll take a civilized handshake.
Hey, Brianne, get this man a Hennessy.
Okay, okay.
So, so far, this is already more enjoyable than I feared.
This just ain't any country club.
Oakwood is the oldest black-owned country club in America.
Here you go.
See, I didn't know there were any black-owned country clubs.
- How long has it been around? - 11 years.
- Fuckin' with you! - (men laughing)
I want your church to be
a place of guidance on the right way to live.
God willing, we'll meet your expectations.
You know, I'm big on gratitude for all that's come my way.
And I'm big on tithing to show that gratitude.
You are a very generous young man.
- I spoke to my sister. - I appreciate that.
We're a close-knit family.
Family is at the core of every healthy congregation.
You know, I've been reading scripture.
And it's really not okay to sell your daughter into slavery
like they say in Exodus 21:7, is it?
No. Thankfully, we have modern laws.
- And Exodus 35:2... - Been brushing up on your Exodus.
- We read the Bible at home. - Ah.
Exodus 35:2 says, "For six days work should be done,
but on the seventh day it shall be your holy day,
a day of Sabbath rest to the Lord."
And whoever does any work on it is to be put to death, yes.
I play a lot of games on Sundays.
You keep scoring and you'll be off the hook.
And every triple double
will bring you closer to the seat of God.
(both laugh)
Look, sometimes I feel like what I do on Sundays is work, too.
But many so-called laws in the Old Testament
are ancient laws for a bygone time.
Thankfully, the Resurrection gave us the new covenant
that led us out of the darkness and into the light.
You know, I think you have the opportunity
to take us all out of dark times
where gays and lesbians are shunned
and bring them into the full light of God's love.
You know, blessed are the peacemakers,
for they are the ones that shall be known
as the children of God.
How the fuck am I gonna tell my wife
I lost two grand to a motherfucker
- that don't even golf? - Buy her some new shoes
and don't let her see your bank account.
(laughs)
Eh, Ernie Johnson.
- What up, baby? - Hey, what's up?
How you doing, brother?
Man, I'm doing great. How about you?
Reggie, you know Ernie Johnson from TNT, right?
- What's up? - Hey, he give good dap.
Holy shit, man, if anybody deserve the hood card, it's Ernie J.
- What up, dog? Reggie Vaughn. - Reggie, I know you, man.
- You're Cam Calloway's cousin, right? - Yeah, yeah.
Well, welcome to Atlanta, man. Hope you enjoy our fair city.
- Proud to call it home.
All right, well, it's good to be here.
So, you really like the brothers, huh?
You're not just pretending on TV?
- Right? Right? - Look, this is a beautiful club.
Got some of the greatest guys
and the greatest facilities anywhere.
Ernie, come on, man. Be honest.
You know the only reason you here
is 'cause a lot of these dumb brothers
picked up golf after Tiger started winning.
And now you over here hustling their asses.
Do you hustle 'em, Ernie? Is he hustling you?
Well, he got you figured out.
All I know is this: I love to play the game
and I love to play it with great friends.
- Mm-hmm. - That's it. Ernie bombs it off the tee.
Mm-hmm, when I've had my whey protein, I do.
No, you want a hustler?
Charles Barkley's a hustler.
Forget everything you've seen on TV.
When the camera's not rolling,
got one of the smoothest golf swings anywhere.
- Bullshit.
No, he could teach Haney a thing or two.
Now, on the other hand, you've got Shaq.
Butcher.
- (laughing) - I believe. I believe it.
Ernie fucking Johnson, man.
You pretty cool for a white dude. What's up?
You make me wanna tuck my shirt in, man.
You believe this shit?
I gotta get into that club.
Because it was mostly black?
Oh, baby, it broke every country club stereotype.
You were right, I was wrong. I should've trusted you.
I am your greatest champion and advocate.
Keep talking.
- Deals flow on golf courses. - Yeah?
Trust me.
I see the next 25 years.
Baby, you are gonna have access to all the halls of power.
Trust that I would never put you in a situation
- where you'd fail. - Yeah?
I'll call my dad to get this done.
No, no, no, no, no. They're gonna fast-track us.
It's a country club, not a tollbooth.
- There's a process. - What, the process of a grown woman
calling her daddy to get us in?
One of the great things about having the daddy I've got
is his ability to bypass process.
Okay, please don't mention your father's name
when you're cupping my balls.
And, please, trust me to let Reggie do
what Reggie does well.
Only if you start by doing what Reggie does better than well.
♪ We sing one and a-two and a-three and a-four ♪
♪ Born Jamericans about your door ♪
♪ Well, Jamaica is an island... ♪
ATL medical auditions.
Punch Drunk.
Forest green.
A hint of orange hairs.
A whiff of whiskey.
Yeah.
Julius, get dressed for church.
Sunday's a day of rest for me.
Well, you gonna have to work a little harder
on the other six to win that argument.
Get dressed.
People don't know how hard it is
to secure a proper connect.
It's work.
It's preparation.
It's research.
♪ Y-A-R-D-C-O-R-E ♪
♪ Yardcore, the people want more ♪
♪ Of the Y-A-R-D-C-O-R-E... ♪
Okay. Thanks, Daddy.
I love you, too.
What's that look for?
Did you say some stupid shit to Ernie Johnson?
Our application just got pulled.
Because I goofed around with Ernie Johnson?
You don't ever goof around at a prospective member visit.
You're under examination.
It's an all-day-long best-behavior situation.
- But if they're goofing around... - They're members!
You aren't. You cannot goof off.
How was I supposed to know that?
By reading signals, using rich people instincts.
How you supposed to have rich people instincts
if you grew up poor?
You marry someone rich and you listen to them.
What was the last thing I said to you?
"Have fun." And I had fun.
I played golf, I drank too much,
and I joked around with Ernie Johnson.
You told him he was pretty cool for a white guy.
He has a problem with compliments?
You understand that you basically said
that the majority of white people aren't cool.
So there's a problem with the truth?
So Ernie Johnson whiteballed me. Wow.
No. No, no, no.
Ernie is too cool to whiteball you.
Now, the other guys you were with, they felt horrible for Ernie.
They blackballed you.
You should have learned to read the signals.
Thankfully, Daddy's got a plan B.
(organ playing)
How hot y'all think Hell get?
We ain't in charge of where we end up.
Y'all better look into it.
I knew you shouldn't have smoked before you came here.
Unc, did you burn one before we got here?
No. Just sitting here with this Bible.
- My sins... - (applause)
Shh! The preacher's coming!
Oh, it's so good to see so many people here today.
We live in a modern age,
an age far removed from the time
our Savior walked this earth.
But our Savior loved all.
I was recently reminded of this by someone.
A messenger, if you will.
And I've done some soul-searching and praying this week
about people walking paths that branch off from the main path,
about inclusion.
(congregation murmurs)
I don't want to have a house of worship
where people hide their true selves.
So today, I'd like to ask
if there's anyone amongst us
who might be harboring a desire
for a homosexual experience
or anyone fostering a closeted homosexual identity,
to rise.
I know you're out there. I've seen "Glee."
I know you're afraid to show your face.
Don't be.
You don't have to hide anymore.
No more hiding at Beth-Maple.
Yes. Yes, amen.
Yes, that's right/
Come on, there's got to be some more.
(congregation murmurs)
- Bobby? - That's right.
David. Charles.
Oh, that's a real O.G. Gay man right there.
- M-Chuck: Oh, my God. - Pastor: That's right. That's right.
Stand up and be seen, young man!
Julius, sit... oh, God.
I'm high as hell!
Yes, yes, yes!
They're the choir, so I'm surprised there's not more.
Oh, it's so beautiful to see people for who they truly are.
Liberated.
Now, we must learn to accept that these amongst us are people, too.
- Man: True. True, Reverend. - Then...
then we need to tell them
- to get the fuck out. - (congregation gasps)
That's right, people. When you talking to demons,
you've got to use their language.
Get the fuck out!
- Oh, my God. - Did he just call me a fucking demon?
- Hey, hold up, Rev. - If you want to worship with your kind,
hit the Atlanta Zoo off the boulevard!
- You smug motherfucker! - Please, Mary Charles...
- Beth-Maple is the home of... - I got your demons!
...the home of the Lord, who is straight, by the way!
And homo... homosexuals make Him shiver with revulsion!
- Here's your demon! - Unc, help me with this girl!
I am not Judas! I can't be bought!
(shouting continues)
Cast out the demons, Lord! Cast them out!
I got your demons, motherfucker!
Now, you know my son gave a lot
of goddamn money to this goddamn church!
I'ma leave this motherfucker with something!
I hope y'all ain't paying no goddamn tithes...
There are homosexual thieves in the house!
...to this crooked Christian motherfucker!
Get in the car, Julius!
Just get the hell out of my church!
- Cam: Ma, get her! - Motherfucker!
This motherfucker! (mutters)
Give me this. Give me this goddamn...
How about that? Get off of me!
The Lord says love them all, but we can love them from afar!
Close the door behind you!
Oh, sweet Jesus.
Hey, I love the shirt, man.
Wife got me one for my birthday, too.
You should see the pink one.
(laughs)
I didn't stand up all the way.
I stood up not completely, but halfway.
Kind of, like, three-quarters.
- It's all good. - You good, man.
Hey, son. How was school today?
Hey, Uncle Julius,
I heard you're no longer on the DL.
I love you no matter what.
Okay, yeah, I gotta get outta here. You know.
I'm clean. Nobody seen nothing.
- Fuck y'all. - (laughing)
(sighs)
You wanna talk about what happened at church?
Look, man, let's leave it at this:
Brand building got no place in a spiritual conversation, Reg.
Amen.
That preacher was just trying to make a name for himself.
His church will probably get bigger and bigger, too.
Haters gonna hate.
People like to join places
where hate seems to be endorsed by God.
Makes their hate not their fault.
Walked right into that trap.
Set it up myself.
- Fuck 'em and feed 'em beans. - (chuckles)
How's the country club life?
I think the emerald green chinos say it all.
(both laugh)
Listen, I've been thinking...
It's $10 million, man.
And we ain't so removed from Dorchester to turn this down,
no matter what else we think is out there.
You know, I been thinking about what you said, too.
I gotta believe in something, man,
and right now church is just off the list.
(both laugh)
Maybe I'll just believe in myself.
Well, the good thing is
you can be pretty sure that you actually exist.
It's your call.
Whatever you think, man, I'll ride with you.
Yep.
(sighs)
You know what you're doing, right?
I sure as fuck hope so.
(music playing)
Shit.
- Yo, blow that flame out. - What?
- Yo, blow that out. - It's burned to a cinder.
No, it's, like, halfway.
Look, I can still see the numbers right... ah.
Shit!
(laughing)
♪ I tell the waiter 50 bottles and she tell me say when ♪
- ♪ And I say church ♪ - ♪ Preach ♪
- ♪ We make it light up like a church ♪ - ♪ Preach ♪
- ♪ She wanna fuck and I say church ♪ - ♪ Preach ♪
♪ Do Liv on Sunday like a church ♪
♪ Oh, preach ♪
♪ Bottle after bottle, drink until I overdose ♪
♪ Pull up in the Phantom ♪
♪ Watch them bitches catch the Holy Ghost ♪
♪ Every time I step up in the dealer I be goin' broke ♪
♪ Shorty wanna fuck me, I say get on top and roller coast ♪
♪ Just hope that I'm forgiven for caring 'bout how they livin' ♪
♪ And loaning a little money and keeping 'em out of prison ♪
♪ I ain't lying in my verses, I'm just telling you the basics ♪
♪ Of growing up with your friends and becoming the one that made it ♪
♪ Yes, Lord, all gold, man, I got these bitches soul ♪
♪ Talking 'bout these other rappers getting old is even getting old ♪
♪ Good ain't good enough and your hood ain't hood enough ♪
♪ Spend my whole life puttin' on, you spend your whole life puttin' up ♪
♪ Ain't no telling when I go, so there ain't shit that I'ma wait for ♪
♪ I'm the type to say a prayer ♪
♪ And then go get what I just prayed for later, church ♪
- ♪ Man, there's a lot of bitches in the building, amen ♪
♪ I tell the waiter 50 bottles and she tell me say when ♪
- ♪ And I say church ♪ - ♪ Preach ♪
- ♪ We make it light up like a church ♪ - ♪ Preach ♪
- ♪ She wanna fuck and I say church ♪ - ♪ Preach ♪
♪ Do Liv on Sunday like a church ♪
♪ Oh, preach. ♪
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